This is Me

This. Is. Me.

 

I spend the vast majority of my one minute of free time each day thinking about what I'm going to do with this blog. There was the thought to shut it down, but I rather like the creative outlet. I tried vlogging but let's be honest, I don't shower often enough to be on camera. What do I do with this blog? What should I say?

The successful bloggers will say "write for yourself, that way it won't matter if no one is reading." Really? Yeah that's how you got to thirty thousand page views a day and an invitation to meet Madonna. Yeah okay.

The truth is I would love to have my writing out there where everyone would read it, where I would receive accolades and applause and money. Lots and lots of money. The reality, though, is that I work full time, I mom full time, I take a crack at wifing and after all of that is said and done, I'm too lazy to sit down and write anything anyone, least of all something I, would like to read.

And yet, I don't give this us and I come back to it like the proverbial moth to the flame. My love of writing started soon as I realized that those squiggly lines on the pages that my mother read to me night after night after night were words and nothing could stop me from writing my own. When I finally learned to read on my own, it just felt natural to assume that someday I would have a career where I would write. And then I got into junior high and high school, where I could feel my love of writing drain from me. It wasn't because my teachers didn't want me to be creative; they loved it in fact. The problem was that I had caught on to how to structure and use grammar to my benefit and everyone else was taking their sweet ass precious time to catch up. I didn't need to use web diagrams or free writing to come up with ideas. Why were we wasting time coming up with more ideas when I hadn't even made a dent in the ones in my head yet?! This got me into more trouble than my mother would like to admit and required more than one meeting with a teacher or counselor with me agreeing to play by the rules and not allow my eyes to glaze over until I had left the building. Fair enough.

This ability to come to a compromise in my writing has actually aided in my hospitality career path. I also do not sound like a complete idiot when suggesting to people to find an alternative venue to hold their bachelorette toga party for forty somewhere else, for which my boss and employees are grateful.

So where does that leave me with this blog? Well, the name TeamLloyd is staying. The Cable Guy and Monkey are my family and they permeate everything I do. I literally don't make a single decision without contemplating the outcome on them (except when it comes to salad dressing; ranch for them, french for me). What I write will definitely encompass their effect on me but also what effect I'm having on the world, which becomes very evident to me when I'm putting Monkey to bed at night and he puts his hands on my face and says, "I so happy to see you momma." And then he wraps his arms around my neck and declares, "hugs!". Yep, in that moment, the whole world flashes before me and I get to see how I'm truly doing as a human being.

Yep, this is me.

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllll.

I think it's inevitable to start off a new year with some sort of goal setting. Whether they're actually resolutions or flights of fancy, we all would like to think that the first day of the first month of the new year offers a clean slate.

I myself am not immune to this and in fact am a part of a goal setting group. When I found out I was pregnant with Monkey, I joined an amazing Facebook group filled with amazing women who were due around the same time. One of its off shoots was a group devoted strictly to motivating whomever joined to do their best, set goals in place and encourage each other when there were highs and lows. Recently, we've been talking about what we want to accomplish in this next year and admittedly, at first, I struggled.

Since having Monkey, I feel like a complete idiot most of the time. Mommy brain is, for lack of a better term, a bitch. I forget things, repeat myself, get sidetracked easily, all things that would've drive my pre-pregnancy self crazy. I suppose this is one of God's ways of pointing and laughing and still teaching me a lesson. Thanks for that.

I was able to finally put down some ideas and I thought I'd share them here. Putting your goals in writing is half the battle. It doesn't mean you'll actually achieve them, but you do have a higher chance.

1) Run away. Run every chance I get. Run here. Run there. Just run. I'm never so truly centered as when I am running. I even found some mommy friends to do virtual runs with me since I work weekends and will most likely be out this racing season.

2) Cook. I did not realize how cathartic cooking is for me until a few weeks ago when I was able to cook every day of the week. It was almost zen like. My soul feels better when I get to feed my family. Watching Monkey wolf down home cooking was extremely rewarding. Plus I need fodder for my Friday food posts.

3) It's all about me...when it comes to my blog. For so long I tried to figure out how to make my blog become this mega hit, with guest posts from the likes of Gwyneth and any Food Network star. And it felt as fake as it was. So now I blog with my original intent: just to write. I've loved writing since I was a little girl. One of the first jobs I ever said I wanted was a journalist. Sadly, you have to do a lot of writing in college to become a journalist and ironically, I hate formal writing. I can do it and do it well, I just don't want to. So wah.

There are probably other goals that I'm forgetting like saving more and spending less. Those have more do with my family and feel a little too personal to put out there. But these three are just about me and what I need for myself, which I'm learning is just as valuable as the wife-me or the mom-me. The me-me is the one that makes sure all the other me's are functioning on a somewhat human level. The me-me thinks I need more coffee.

How about you? What are your goals for you-you? Who's climbing Mt Everest this year or painting the next Sistine Chapel?

Decisions, Decisions

It had crossed my mind to delete this blog. To get rid of my Facebook page for this blog. To admit defeat when it comes to being a blogger. And I think I'd be justified.

In February, it will be two years since I last wrote anything here. It's actually quite humorous that my blogging sabbatical came in correlation with my pregnancy. Yep that's right, I'm a mommy. To a human baby. We call him Monkey (like as a nickname; we gave him two middle names, that was cruel enough). We've moved a few more times and are in a house now (still renting, sorry mom). No more guinea pigs and the same dogs. Still have a personal blog filled with pictures of the Monkey. New jobs for Husband and me. I even started my own business.

With all that going on, I'd be crazy to think I could get back into the swing of blogging things. But if there's anything that motherhood has taught me (and honestly, I didn't know shizz before I became a parent), that you need a little crazy to keep you sane.

Will there still be food recipes? Probably. But you try cooking with a tiny person who thinks Mandie qualifies as a hot dog. Pinterest projects? Oh man I can't stop laughing. An honest examination of the life of someone who should have it together but doesn't? As long as you don't mind my sleep deprived rambling, then yes that's exactly what you'll find here. Will this blog look like it used to? Nope, not at all. I don't look the same after two years (thank you stretch marks and grey hair), so why would my blog? I won't promise that I won't take another long break or quit altogether or that I'll let you know if I do either. That's the beauty of blogging.