Parts of the Whole

Saturday, January 23, 2016

This is Me

girl laying on the couch
This. Is. Me.
I spend the vast majority of my one minute of free time each day thinking about what I'm going to do with this blog. There was the thought to shut it down, but I rather like the creative outlet. I tried vlogging but let's be honest, I don't shower often enough to be on camera. What do I do with this blog? What should I say?

The successful bloggers will say "write for yourself, that way it won't matter if no one is reading." Really? Yeah that's how you got to thirty thousand page views a day and an invitation to meet Madonna. Yeah okay.

The truth is I would love to have my writing out there where everyone would read it, where I would receive accolades and applause and money. Lots and lots of money. The reality, though, is that I work full time, I mom full time, I take a crack at wifing and after all of that is said and done, I'm too lazy to sit down and write anything anyone, least of all something I, would like to read.

And yet, I don't give this us and I come back to it like the proverbial moth to the flame. My love of writing started soon as I realized that those squiggly lines on the pages that my mother read to me night after night after night were words and nothing could stop me from writing my own. When I finally learned to read on my own, it just felt natural to assume that someday I would have a career where I would write. And then I got into junior high and high school, where I could feel my love of writing drain from me. It wasn't because my teachers didn't want me to be creative; they loved it in fact. The problem was that I had caught on to how to structure and use grammar to my benefit and everyone else was taking their sweet ass precious time to catch up. I didn't need to use web diagrams or free writing to come up with ideas. Why were we wasting time coming up with more ideas when I hadn't even made a dent in the ones in my head yet?! This got me into more trouble than my mother would like to admit and required more than one meeting with a teacher or counselor with me agreeing to play by the rules and not allow my eyes to glaze over until I had left the building. Fair enough.

This ability to come to a compromise in my writing has actually aided in my hospitality career path. I also do not sound like a complete idiot when suggesting to people to find an alternative venue to hold their bachelorette toga party for forty somewhere else, for which my boss and employees are grateful.

So where does that leave me with this blog? Well, the name TeamLloyd is staying. The Cable Guy and Monkey are my family and they permeate everything I do. I literally don't make a single decision without contemplating the outcome on them (except when it comes to salad dressing; ranch for them, french for me). What I write will definitely encompass their effect on me but also what effect I'm having on the world, which becomes very evident to me when I'm putting Monkey to bed at night and he puts his hands on my face and says, "I so happy to see you momma." And then he wraps his arms around my neck and declares, "hugs!". Yep, in that moment, the whole world flashes before me and I get to see how I'm truly doing as a human being.

Yep, this is me.